this is about something i have lived with, and continue to live with, all my life
I was diagnosed with social anxiety as a child and I had a very hard time growing up in terms of social life. I would often break down at break(recess) and it didnt help having two very annoying bullies and their clique of girls pretending to be your friend. For my entire time in school I never had any real friends to hang out with after school, and being an only child, this makes it very lonely. No child should experience this. I spent most of my time drawing or learning anything random at home out of pure boredom. i was the weird kid for sure, no one knew what Doctor Who or Gravity Falls was.
I would have anxiety and panic attacks if i had to present in the class. I wanted to die every time. As i grew, it too grew. I didn't realise this until I graduated primary school in 2021 (middle school for americans) when my dad asked if i was going to hang out with anyone. I broke down realising i never had friends. I didnt know how to. I was scared to death of the idea. I had no friends until I got to secondary school (high school for americans) This only got worse as we were made to talk about ourselves. I remember being so anxious i would get dizzy from not breathing -total freeze- and nearly ripping the sleeve of my jumper from fiddling with it so aggressively. I was on my own at lunch, and to make things worse, my cousin (who goes to the same school) saw me anxiously like this with her new friends and texted my mother. when i got home she was upset(as in extremely worried) about this and i broke down again, rinse and repeat. When will they ever learn?
I had given up hope of ever finding friends. I thought i was destined to go through the 5 years of school alone. I got so severely anxious i considered suicide but never attempted. I could never bring myself to do it. But i didn't have any siblings, and ive never had any pets apart from a hamster. Instead i'd occasionally unscrew my pencil sharpener and slice tiny cuts on my hands and thighs, nothing even deep. small and quick like a papercut. I have no scars, i never went that deep. It wasn't until I broke down at Christmas that my mother told me about my diagnosis. i had never known about it until then. She said she never bothered to tell me because she and the doctor hoped it would "disappear" as i grew up. Everything made sense then.
we decide to see if i could get some therapy. We booked an appointment with the offices in my town and i went in for one session to assess how i was. The guy said that theyll call me back in 2 weeks and i'd start weekly therapy until i felt better. 2 weeks. That was in 2022
I'm still waiting for a phone call.
after a teensy breakdown that involved me coming out to my mother as bisexual (she loves me don't worry, she could tell) I was to start weekly counselling in my school, organised by my other cousin who does social work (i think. She was the one i broke down to over my bisexuality before i told my mother that same night). I did it for what seemed like a month and then the counseller stops showing up. I rarely see here, but the teachers dont call for me to say that she's looking for me. Its as if i was forgotten
Compared to how anxious i was back 11-13, im doing better. Ive gone to cities with my friends now :D I actually have friends. thats mental. but it lingers. My anxiety will always be with me. itll never go away. Im still very nervous in public settings. I break down at night occasionally. I still havent gotten any long term proper help.
ANYWAYYYY after that long explanation as to why i am myself, you can see why my favourite characters are my favourite characters- They called me out from the depths of inside me, like, i relate to them a little too much, you know? *cough cough Osamu Dazai cough cough* WHO SAID THAT???